She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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