They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
