i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
