Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
