Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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