i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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