I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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