I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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