I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
