Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
