I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
