I feel like abortions should bother me more
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
