we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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