What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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