someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
