Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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