What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She bit a glass in half.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
