Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
