I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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