i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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