Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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