I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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