what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
50% drunk capacity currently
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
