I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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