i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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