When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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