There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
