Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
