In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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