evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
