So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
