I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
