Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
