the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
