As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
