She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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