my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
