why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
