When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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