i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we made out on top of his cat.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
