are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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