my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
