Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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