last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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