Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
