things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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