we're chasing vodka with high fives
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
