shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
