your parents love me but you hate me
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
