Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
