Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My feet surprised me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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