my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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